Grand Texas Theme Park: The Return of Lasso

The cartoon horse speaks! Alas, Grand Texas Theme Park’s well-heeled mascot isn’t saying where you’ll join him. But at least the theme park’s website is now open, claiming that developer Monty Galland “has determined three different desired sites: Two are in Montgomery County, while the other is in Fort Bend County.” And there are now several new renderings of the park’s proposed “territories” with detailed descriptions of the Texas-themed activities and amenities to come.


You’ve already seen “Main Street,” rendered above, which will have restaurants, a hotel, a saloon with a poker parlor, and a jail. Here, “you can get a feel for an old fashion stockade,” says the park’s website, “but there are plenty of other fun activities like getting a Wanted Poster made, putting a Bounty on your favorite guest, or make your own western movie, complete with a showdown at high noon.”

Here’s “Flint Ranch.” It’ll have a petting zoo. And “The Tractor Trail,” where you can “drive a tractor along a winding trail, through crops and a barn filled with fun and singing:”

“Wild Texas Frontier” will have an obstacle course, a maze, and a zipline, with “Quanah Village . . . a reproductioin of a Commanche Village” down near the hiking trail and canoe launch:

No trip would be complete without a turn through the paintball course! Here’s “Gunslingers:”

“Gunslingers” will also have “a sufficient snackbar providing the essential nourishment of any warrior.”

A midway’s planned for Grand Texas, as well, called “Pecos Bill’s Jamboree.” But there’s no rendering available for that. The park’s website claims two different opening dates: March 11, 2014, and March 12, 2015.

Images: Grand Texas

12 Comment

  • I guess there’s nothing more ‘Texan’ like the propagating of stereotypes. So I guess its Texan in that way. However, this is probably as far from anything really Texan.

    I’m not asking for high artistry (I mean this is a theme park – I get it), but I feel like I come up with better material every morning after my cup of coffee…

    [Climb down from soapbox]

  • Oh gawd! Almost looks like a really really big petting zoo. Hope their anticipated crowds are larger than the renderings, or this will be sold to the Houston Rodeo for a park and ride facility before you know it!

  • Bitch, bitch, bitch mosquitos. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, roller coasters. Bitch, bitch, cotton candy. Bitch parking. Bitch bitch website bitch. Bitch bitch bitch Lasso. Bitch too far bitch bitch. Paintball bitch, bitch. Bitch New Caney. Bitch bitch Disneyland. Bitch bitch Texas theme bitch. Expensive bitch. Bitch brats bitch.

  • Um is this not what George Ranch basically is?

  • Houston is a city with 6 mil + residents in and around the metro area, but has no theme park. As dumb as this looks, if it gets built, my kids will want to go and I will be powerless to stop them.

  • Bitch: bitch bitch bitch didn’t know bitch bitch bitch I couldn’t bitch bitch bitch have an opion bitch bitch bitch on this issue. Bitch bitch bitch so sorry bitch bitch bitch that it impacts bitch bitch bitch your obvious bitch bitch bitch good taste bitch bitch bitch and sensibilities!

  • It would be somewhat acceptable if I knew it weren’t the brainchild of Glenn Beck. But because I know that, I will never step food in that tainted park.

  • Bitch bitch wannabee bitch. Bitch bitch pathetic. Bitch, bitch come up with your own bit, bitch. Opinion THIS! bitch. Bitch stalker bitch.

  • I’m sure they’re all broken up after hearing that news, Jeremy. I hope they still decide to continue on. ha

  • Believe me Bitch, I am no wannabe Bitch. I was merely commenting in a language you can understand.

  • Bitch and sjh speak the same language.

  • might as well just build a six flags than this crap.