What Houstonia Magazine Sees When It Looks at Houston

Map of Houston from Houstonia Magazine

This is a Houston that no one’s ever seen: The lines in the swamp have been drawn for new monthly magazine Houstonia’s inaugural issue, which landed on newsstands last Thursday. This map’s “competing fiefdoms” suggest what’s really happening here: Those of you north of I-10 are now making a home in “The Hypes.” And that up-and-coming former industrial wasteland east of Downtown’s been dubbed “New Montrose.” West of the Galleria? That’s “Breastheimer.” South of I-10 near Memorial Park and the Loop is “Hogg Heaven” and “Pretensia,” just east, of course, of the mansions in “Pricey Point.” And Midtown’s been divided by the light rail, split into West “Hipstamatica” and East “Yuppie Tenements.”

Drawing: Dan Derozier

26 Comment

  • lol, while not really ‘accurate’, it was rather creative.

  • Cute in a way, but most of it’s pretty forced. (The Old Sixth Ward is actually far classier than its surroundings and is seceding from Beercanistan and becoming Boxwineistan—moving on up.)

  • I had to ponder Stevia. Sugar-free Sugar Land? They could have gone with Equalia, Lisa Simpson’s utopia, home of the fabled “twonicorn.”

  • What’s so hard to say about Almeda-Genoa?

  • Is that the first draft?

  • funny. but I dont get why museum district is Near Nerds? Because it’s close to Rice I guess?

  • Kebabistan sounds a lot better than the reality, but what the heck is Karaokeria?

    None of it is very insightful, except for Modesto, which could be brilliant, but must unintentional since the overlap of people who would get that and write for this sort of publication is vanishingly small.

  • Way to be all Negative Nancy, y’all. There’s some funny stuff in that map. It’s clever, lighthearted fun. If you can do better, get out your map pencils and let’s see it.

  • [City name]ia.

    That’s derivative and loaded. This would work if the publication parodied hipsters, but even that is quite threadbare as a concept.

  • I want that framed, in my office.

  • The greens bayou wetlands mitigation bank is not for sale.

  • I think its rather clever. Sure, I don’t agree with all names, but its funny.

  • I do not get the area on the south west side between 610 & 59. I live in this area and I could come up with better stuff

  • The comments to this posting are quintesentially houstonian; born or transplanted we are never easy to please. Kudos to Houstonia, this city needs a little more levity.

  • Hilarious! Not to mention reasonably accurate.

  • Forced is indeed the word for it. “New Montrose” was pretty discouraging. I saw this mag at Whole Foods the other day; in retrospect I’m glad I didn’t pick it up.

  • Why is there no name on that fried egg looking plot between 610/Belt and 288/45S?

  • “Ocean of Seoul” is particularly perplexing. Hate to say it but maybe they meant Pyongyang?

  • wow. serious grumpy pants in this thread. WAAA my area didn’t get as cool a name as I could have thought of! Get over your bad selves and just enjoy it.

  • I think the fried egg looking spot Brian D. pointed out is representing a sunny side up egg because it’s Sunnyside. Ha!

  • some of these are pretty funny, some kinda dumb, but i’m disappointed with the first ward’s ‘beercanistan’.

    it’s about the most thoughtless & lazy- throw away- name they came up with.
    and for the arts district no less.

    make it insulting, incisive, inane, whatever. if you’re gonna do it just be a bit creative.

    all that being said i don’t really care. just killing some time on SW…

  • “The Mayflower Compaq” “HP-ville” should be north of “Mulligans” in place of “Dealerships”

  • “Dealershippi”? Really? What it should say is I am not familiar with the area so I’m just going to pull something out of my butt and see if it sticks. *Maybe* 149 inside of the beltway but the only dealership in that area is Joe Meyers which is not a “low brow” dealership and that area is BOOMING now because of Vintage Park which was birthed from the Hewlett Packard and Lone Star College University Center community.

  • I am from Austin and don’t know Houston at all. I need references. What would Bellaire be in the map?