It “only” took 987 days to sell her Pearland home, Jenny Lawson announces. But did the Bloggess — and now bestselling author — shirk on that “No Zombies — sort of” guarantee she had offered on her single-story David Weekly model in Southern Trails back in 2010 when she first put it on the market? “In the middle of signing all of the paperwork,” she writes, “I mentioned to Victor that we should probably disclose that we buried that-guy-I-couldnâ€™t-remember-the-name-of in our yard years ago and Victor looked at me like Iâ€™d lost my mind. Probably because youâ€™re not supposed to say that in front of realtors. Then Victor told me to be quiet, but I mentioned that weâ€™d probably go to hell for not digging the guy back up. Then Victor explained that I was talking about a saint Iâ€™d buried upside down in our front lawn to help sell the house and the realtor looked at us like we were insane because apparently sheâ€™s not Catholic. And technically neither are we, but at the time we were pretty desperate to sell the house and I was willing to bury just about anyone in the yard to stop having to pay two mortgages.”
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When Swamplot featured her Pearland home back in June, Bloggess Jenny Lawson was crafty enough to couch within her verbal guarantee that the place harbored NO ZOMBIES the hint that she just might be able to score some — if, y’know, you were into that sort of thing. And now, almost 2 months later? Score! Quietly last week, someone slashed the asking price on the sallow, undead 3-bedroom suburban special by another $10K. Lawson and family since escaped to friendlier digs, but the old and now empty home in Southern Trails limps on at $199,000, $20K down from its original price. Can’t someone stop the bleeding!!!?
COMMENT OF THE DAY: FOR THOSE OF YOU UNDER THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT PEARLAND IS FULL OF ZOMBIES “Ok, Iâ€™ll spill the beans, we donâ€™t have REAL zombies in Southern Trails. What people have seen are the fake ones we put out at night. Itâ€™s a scheme dreamed up by our Neighhborhood Watch program that works on the scarecrow principle. We set them up around the neighborhood after dark, then before the next morning we rush out and pick them up. We take turns hiding them in different garages.” [Tim, commenting on Pearland Home of the Bloggess Is Guaranteed Zombie-Free. Sort Of]
Jenny Lawson, known to her thousands of devoted blog and Twitter followers as the Bloggess, tells Swamplot her home in Southern Trails is “pretty and airy and there are NO ZOMBIES around. Unless you’re into zombies.”
And if we are? “Then I can get you zombies. Probably.” This is in Pearland, right?
Oh, but the place looks so . . . normal? Maybe that’s because the Kitchen shamwow comforter insulation pictured above — installed late last month to absorb any suds that might emerge from a laundry-detergent-fortified dishwasher — is missing from the listing photos. The listing does include, however, this family Castle-Study Area:
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