COMMENT OF THE DAY: DIMENSION DOOM 101 “The floorplate is the set of measurements and parameters that you have to design the floor plan within. If its too large or too small, too narrow or too wide, or if the elevators and stairs are awkwardly situated, it will make the floor plan inefficient in terms of squeezing the most net rentable area from the gross floor area. In addition, what often happens is that there are awkward rooms within apartment units that have little functional utility, which then affects the rent per square foot that can be achieved from those units. To compensate, the developer must purchase the property for a lower price than if the building were ideally configured. But if these adjustments to the financial model drive the value of the property below the value of the land (which is determined by the model for new construction) net of the cost of demolition, then the old building is not the highest and best use. It is doomed. Problems such as these are common in situations where a building gets re-purposed for a completely different use.” [TheNiche, commenting on Finger Going After Finger’s Ben Milam Hotel Downtown]
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A KINK IN THE PATH 
“Walking the sidewalks in the Heights is sometimes tricky,” quips the reader who sent in this pic of the year-or-so-old sidewalk in front of the year–or-so-old house at 919 Arlington St.: “This walk is built to the 5′-0″ standards currently in place where as the older walks are built at 4′. However the alignment was so off from the 2′ distance required from the property line location of the other residents’ walks. I could only assume that the developer was thinking that he could allow more room to park a car between the street and walk if he shifted it west two feet.” Photo: Swamplot inbox
SELLING THAT MIDCENTURY MODERN TO THE BIG-HAIR CROWD 
A reader notes an agent’s efforts to sell the sleek 1956 mod at 434 Faust Ln. in Memorial Bend — the 2,233-sq.-ft. property was listed at the end of last week for $549,000 — on those little conveniences. Reads the listing caption to the image at left: “Large custom travertine shower niches are big enough to accommodate shampoo bottles purchased from Costco.” [HAR, via Swamplot inbox]
COMMENT OF THE DAY: MANHOLE MATCHMAKER “Ironically I have a 100lb cover sitting on the corner of my property. It’s not covering anything, it’s just sitting there. I’ve put out scrap metal in the same area that gets quickly picked up. I asked a few scrappers why no one never takes this cover, and they said scrap metal companies won’t take them (I guess for obvious reasons they’re not allowed and could get fined). So here I have a homeless cover, and there we have a coverless hole. If only there was a match.com for road equipment.” [Cody, commenting on A Sidewalk Hazard’s Social Media Strategy]
A SIDEWALK HAZARD’S SOCIAL MEDIA STRATEGY 
A coverless manhole just west of Shepherd on 34th St. in Garden Oaks has taken to Twitter to broadcast its plight. “I am a gaping hole in the city’s underbelly,” declares Gringo Trap 34, between drooling appreciations of photos of attractive manhole covers posted on other Twitter streams. By the hole’s third-ever tweet, yesterday, it had snared a response from Mayor Parker, who commiserated over problems caused by copper thieves. (“Like roaches, they mess up more than they take,” quipped the mayor.) Shout-outs to various reporters followed. But as of Friday afternoon, the square hole under the constable sign is still uncovered, and Gringo Trap 34 has posted its latest “glamor shot.” “I may be pretty,” reads the latest report, “but that doesn’t mean I won’t tear your ACL.” [Twitter] Update, 9:13 pm: The Gringo Trap 34 account appears to have been suspended, but its tweets live on in this Chronicle story. Photo: Gringo Trap 34
MONTROSE DISTRICT BATTLE HEADS TO COURT 
The owner of a 6-unit apartment complex in Montrose has filed suit against the Montrose Management District, hoping a court decision will help shut down the taxing entity. A petition calling for the dissolution of the district was delivered to the organization’s managers last September. It contained 988 signatures — accounting for more than the required 75 percent of the district’s assessed property values, according to district opponents. But the district says the 75 percent threshold hasn’t been met, because its count includes the value of residential properties in the total. The lawsuit says including residences to figure the 75 percent threshold is “perverse,” since the district can only assess taxes on commercial property. [Houston Chronicle; more info; previously on Swamplot] Map: Stop the District
COMMENT OF THE DAY: SETTING THE STANDARDS TOO HIGH “Have people gone from midgets to monsters in the few years that this place went from being fully occupied to empty? Before it closed were people banging their heads on the roof? did any of the previous tenants died of melanoma due to asbestos? Should we blow up any building that has asbestos in it? Do you realize that would be just about every building in the city? I realize the ceilings are lower than what is considered to be in style today, but that doesn’t mean the place needs to be torn down. The price of the building, plus the cost of demo, is much higher than the land alone was worth. There is no way that the value of the structure doesn’t warrant it being saved. If you clean the place up and turned it into offices, it would be full in about 15 seconds. Low ceilings and all. It’s not the asbestos or low ceilings keeping it from being taken care of and fixed up. It’s unrealistic expectations of what the building needs to be in order to be considered satisfactory to the city.” [Codys bar, commenting on Will 3400 Montrose Rise from the Dead?]
ARCO OFFICE GOING DOWN; DOWNTOWN HOUSTON CLUB BUILDING WILL STAY PUT 
Dismemberment of the former ARCO office building west of Eldridge at 15375 Memorial Dr. should begin sometime within a month or two, Catie Dixon reports. What will new owner Skanska USA do with the 21-acre site — rumored as a possible location for the new Phillips 66 headquarters? Skanska is currently hunting for an architect to provide a master plan, Dixon writes, “potentially with a couple of offices.” Meanwhile, the other pre-owned office building purchased recently by the Swedish construction firm appears safe from the wrecking ball: The company’s regional manager tells Dixon he expects to begin remodeling the Houston Club building at 811 Rusk St. downtown by the end of 2012. [Real Estate Bisnow; previously on Swamplot] Photo of Houston Club building: Silberman Properties
WILL 3400 MONTROSE RISE FROM THE DEAD? 
On assignment a couple of months ago to document the office building at 3400 Montrose that once housed Scott Gertner’s Skybar, photographer Patrick Bertolino wrote that the 10-story vacant structure across Hawthorne St. from Kroger reminded him “of what a building might look like after a zombie apocalypse, minus the zombies.” But, um, zombies always come back, don’t they? And now here’s a hint that something might be stirring: Workers were giving the parking structure behind the building a new coat of paint yesterday, reports Swamplot picture-snapper Candace Garcia. Photo evidence above. [Patrick Bertolino; previously on Swamplot] Photo of parking garage: Candace Garcia
MOON TOWER INN’S BICYCLE PARKING SCORE 
Whenever it gets around to reopening as a brewery, Second Ward hotdog HQ Moon Tower Inn will still have only a single off-street parking spot — thanks to an accommodation agreed to by the planning commission. Owner Evan Shannon agreed to provide rack space for 40 bicycles instead of the 5 additional car spaces that would have otherwise been required at 3004 Canal St. Helpful in securing the exception from the city: a few bike-riding employees — and plenty of on-street parking in the food stand’s mostly industrial neighborhood. [Houston Chronicle; previously on Swamplot] Photo: Marty E.
ALL FOR THE WEEK 
Looks like a Good Friday to take an early break for a holiday-filled weekend. Swamplot will be back Monday with more Houston real estate fun. Photo of poolside hallway, former St. Joseph’s Hospital convent, 1905 Crawford St., Downtown: Flickr user Melted Plastic [license]
COMMENT OF THE DAY: TO KILL A GIANT COCKROACH “It’s not really dead. While we’re asleep it will emerge from the scrap heap and continue to wander under the cover of night. Somewhere a husband will find it and attempt another violent execution, only to have the wife frantically call him home when it crawls back out the next day.” [mek ju, commenting on Giant Neon Cockroach That Haunted Southwest Freeway, Eradicated at Last]
GIANT NEON COCKROACH THAT HAUNTED SOUTHWEST FREEWAY, ERADICATED AT LAST 
Bubba, the cockroach enshrined in an enormous neon sign for Holder’s Pest Control, which stood guard for years along Westpark next to the Southwest Freeway, will not return to the Houston skyline, the company reports. The 8-ft.-by-16-ft. sign was taken down in 2004, after Holder’s relocated. But after almost 8 years of residence in a company warehouse, the sign was “cut up and hauled off for recycling” earlier this year, reports Travis Alford. That menacing, old-fashioned cockroach is no longer a part of the brand identity of the company now known as Holder’s Pest Solutions, and it won’t be coming back. Holder’s just-unveiled new logo instead features a gentle curve at its top that references instead a much more modern feature of Houston: the Astrodome. [Houston Chronicle] Photo: Holder’s Pest Control
EXXONMOBIL’S HUMBLE GIFT TO THE CITY? 
What will happen to its well-shaded 44-story downtown headquarters building at 800 Bell St., once ExxonMobil decamps for the new campus the oil giant is building at Houston’s northern reaches? The company “has not announced what will happen to its downtown building,” writes longtime real estate reporter Ralph Bivins about the iconic 1963 tower that houses at its top the storied Petroleum Club. “One of the most interesting rumors we’ve heard about it is that Exxon Mobil will donate the building to the City of Houston for municipal offices. You know, we can’t sell it, so let’s just give it to Annise Parker instead.” [Culturemap] Photo: Flickr user lc_db
COMMENT OF THE DAY: HOW DOES THE COIN-OP STRATEGY WORK? “Speaking of quarter car washes . . . how much money do those things make? There must be 6 of them on Studemont sitting on some pretty valuable real estate. Do they even make enough money to cover the property taxes?” [Walt, commenting on Meanwhile, at the Corner of 11th and Studewood]